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seiberwingI participated in a candlelight vigil for Matthew Shepard two days ago. Was very cold out there, to the point where I couldn't even feel the wax dripping onto my fingers, but it felt worthwhile.
The problem is that I said I'd come to the Alliance's meeting next Tuesday and I'm feeling very nervous about it. Here's the situation:
I don't particularly like putting a label on myself, but if I had to go there I'd say bisexual leaning towards lesbian. I've only dated two people, both male, one of which I didn't find attractive in the least and the other of which turned out sorta-gay (and I have no idea why I liked him in the first place, he wasn't that attractive). As far as women, I find a number of them attractive in a sexual-ish fashion (hello, suitemate-next-door). I even asked a girl out to the prom, although she had to cancel and I wound up with![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
cutiebirdgal's brother. But I've never dated one, or kissed one for real, or even asked one out properly.
It's never been an issue with me. The most oppressed I've been is Vertigo's girlfriend attempting to kiss me (put that girl on a leash, for god's sake) and a few odd looks or commments when I engaged in blatent gay-ish 'that chick is hot' behavior. A bit odd considering we're in the South, but I've always hung out with tolerant people.
I've never come out and said it, but I've made it a good bit obvious to people at times. I'm terribly anxious about going because I can't say "I'm straight but I think gay people are cool" or "I'm gay/bi/transgendered and I know what it's like to suffer prejudice". And what with bisexuality being used to explain things like Girls Gone Wild and kids experimenting, I don't even know if they'll accept me like that. Some people don't even think bisexuality exists.
Hell, I don't even know if I am like that. People's brains can fool themselves, maybe I'm straight and just don't know it yet. I like being a little odd and hitting on other girls is sometimes a way to be odd. For all I know I'm just justifying my odd-ish behavior by saying I'm like that. I don't want to be a poser, or for people to think I'm being like this just to seem cool and alternative. I just want to be what I am.
I'm going, of course. I just don't know what to do there.
The problem is that I said I'd come to the Alliance's meeting next Tuesday and I'm feeling very nervous about it. Here's the situation:
I don't particularly like putting a label on myself, but if I had to go there I'd say bisexual leaning towards lesbian. I've only dated two people, both male, one of which I didn't find attractive in the least and the other of which turned out sorta-gay (and I have no idea why I liked him in the first place, he wasn't that attractive). As far as women, I find a number of them attractive in a sexual-ish fashion (hello, suitemate-next-door). I even asked a girl out to the prom, although she had to cancel and I wound up with
cutiebirdgal's brother. But I've never dated one, or kissed one for real, or even asked one out properly.It's never been an issue with me. The most oppressed I've been is Vertigo's girlfriend attempting to kiss me (put that girl on a leash, for god's sake) and a few odd looks or commments when I engaged in blatent gay-ish 'that chick is hot' behavior. A bit odd considering we're in the South, but I've always hung out with tolerant people.
I've never come out and said it, but I've made it a good bit obvious to people at times. I'm terribly anxious about going because I can't say "I'm straight but I think gay people are cool" or "I'm gay/bi/transgendered and I know what it's like to suffer prejudice". And what with bisexuality being used to explain things like Girls Gone Wild and kids experimenting, I don't even know if they'll accept me like that. Some people don't even think bisexuality exists.
Hell, I don't even know if I am like that. People's brains can fool themselves, maybe I'm straight and just don't know it yet. I like being a little odd and hitting on other girls is sometimes a way to be odd. For all I know I'm just justifying my odd-ish behavior by saying I'm like that. I don't want to be a poser, or for people to think I'm being like this just to seem cool and alternative. I just want to be what I am.
I'm going, of course. I just don't know what to do there.
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Date: 2006-10-14 08:25 pm (UTC)In terms of not knowing, I've only ever gone out with one person before - I'd never had anyone ask me or sound the slightest bit interested in me until I was eighteen-nineteen - though it only lasted a week. Mostly because he was blatently on the rebound from someone horrible and started talking about 'soulmates' the second time I ever saw him. O_o Pepper's the first girl I've ever gone out with and the only person I've ever asked or really wanted to go out with, so I've never kissed a girl either. Like I say, it's got little or nothing to do with experience and all to do with finding out what you want. You don't have to stick to one labelled sexuality all your life, and no-one should think any less of you for changing your mind if anything isn't right for you, least of all yourself. *hugs lots*
...Lo, I ramble on. Sorry.
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Date: 2006-10-14 09:09 pm (UTC)Mostly because he was blatently on the rebound from someone horrible and started talking about 'soulmates' the second time I ever saw him. O_o
O_o indeed. My first boyfriend was
What anyone else says to your being there doesn't matter - if you don't like the group, you don't have to keep going - and if it's a group designed to encourage people to make friends as well as discuss your sexuality, then they ought to be open-minded enough not to turn a hair if you've not completely decided anything yet.
Very good point. The VP is in my Creative Writing class, so I don't want there to be huge tension, but they seemed like nice people when I talked to them Thursday night.
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Date: 2006-10-14 10:42 pm (UTC)Yeah, my sad-eyed guy was a set-up as well. There was I, thinking it'd be my friend, her boy and me playing pool, and suddenly there was said bf's brother as well. (I'll admit to idly thinking 'yeah, he wants me' mostly as an ego-boost, but still!) What on Earth is a mission statement, and just how serious did he think it was going to be? O_o
Very good point. The VP is in my Creative Writing class, so I don't want there to be huge tension, but they seemed like nice people when I talked to them Thursday night.
*nodnods* Whether or not there's an element of 'support group' in there - I've never been to anything similar, so I don't know how social/discussion/support-based they are or what - they ought to be perfectly accepting and nice about anyone who hasn't decided anything to their satisfaction. Either way, if you don't like it, don't go back. They can't blame you for that. :)
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Date: 2006-10-14 10:48 pm (UTC)What on Earth is a mission statement, and just how serious did he think it was going to be? O_o
Companies have ones like 'To serve all customers with courtesy and respect' or whatever. My mom was thinking he maybe had Asperger's, which makes sense. I talked to him online and saw him maybe three times, being as he lived on the other side of the state from me.
Don't like, don't go back. I can get into that. I mean, what's the worst that can happen? ...besides humiliation.
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Date: 2006-10-14 11:27 pm (UTC)Companies have ones like 'To serve all customers with courtesy and respect' or whatever. My mom was thinking he maybe had Asperger's, which makes sense. I talked to him online and saw him maybe three times, being as he lived on the other side of the state from me.
...I think I remember you talking about him one time, actually. *thinks* The other-side-of-the-state part certainly sounds familiar.
Nahhh. The worst thing that could happen would be you taking a wrong turn into a room of fundies, or ending up at the Dread Portal (the one that sticks in the damp) and going through the Passwords with Brother Doorman from Guards! Guards! (http://wiki.lspace.org/index.php/Book:Guards%21_Guards%21). ;) *cuddles tight*
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Date: 2006-10-15 12:59 am (UTC)Going into a room of fundies would be...odd.
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Date: 2006-10-22 01:50 am (UTC)I thought
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Date: 2006-10-22 01:58 am (UTC)re
Date: 2006-10-14 09:05 pm (UTC)You have no control over what people will think of you in any situation. To this day, I have idiots who insist on calling me and my girlfriend lesbians despite repeated corrections that we're both bisexual. This frustrates and annoys me no end because you would think that the one thing I would know in this world is my own sexuality, right? But no, these guys know better! 2 women together = lesbian! Porn has shown them the way!
And then, on the other side, you have the people who say that bisexuality doesn't exist. Not too steady on what the actual reasoning is, but it seems to generally boil down to straights and gays not liking the competition. My stock answer to bisexuals not existing is, tell that to the Department of Education, they apparently keep trying to collect money from a non-existant person.
At the end of the day, though, despite the idiocy of some and the whinging of others, I exist. I am what I am as Popeye said and that's all I can be. And that's all you can do too. Cheesy as it is to say it, just be yourself, who you are, right now. Things may change later on, but that's ok.
Dun.
Re: re
Date: 2006-10-14 09:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-14 09:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-14 10:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-15 12:40 am (UTC)there's always a few who say that, and people wonder, but tend to be more mature about it in college. ^^
I have yet to go to a local gsa meeting..... I feel bad about that.... maybe next year.
and, even if you're straight, you still think girls are hot, so what does it matter?
(occasionally, I have the same doubts, as to whether I'm just looking at pretty people, or if I actually go that way...)
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Date: 2006-10-15 12:57 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-15 04:04 am (UTC)you heard me gush about krissy one time, I never did that to you did I? ....lol......^^;
and, I know I like girls, I just don't know if I'd like having sex with them.... sometimes that's the only way to find out if you are one way or the other.........
>_>
<_< meh...
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Date: 2006-10-15 04:07 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-15 04:12 am (UTC)like I said, I don't like you that way.
and, in case you didn't notice, tom molested you too on several occasions.
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Date: 2006-10-15 04:13 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-16 08:52 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-15 03:10 am (UTC)Still, we seem more likely than men to find select examples of both genders "hot".
Labels should define, not confine. If they do the latter, re-think your labels or refuse them.
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Date: 2006-10-15 03:52 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-15 06:19 pm (UTC)The patriarchy-blamer in me says that has something to do with women being the only ones expected to really make themselves attractive---to anyone; men define female attractiveness, but they also seem to define what's hot in a male, by defining it "manly"---buff and hairy and loud and alpha-behavior. You don't find men really considering their appearance in terms of what women really like, only what they think women must like, or their own sense of macho-ness. They don't consider, for example, whether women would be turned off by armpit hair, or whether women would really like long, flowing hair. Being "beautiful" is for gay guys. (Compare that to the reactions if a woman has very short, crew-cut hair, or doesn't shave.)
So you get someone like Captain Sparrow, with long hair and eye makeup, and people wonder if he's gay, but women go nuts over him, and the general community of men miss the boat ("what's so great about him?") and therefore so do we. Women who are more straight, therefore, only find "beauty" in other females, and are more likely to find other women attractive; meanwhile men who are more straight find said "beauty" concentrated in the female half of the population; their desires are completely met by women's wholesale deference to the standards, and almost never find a man "beautiful" enough to interest them.
Which ought to bring me into some big philosophical discussion about "beauty," and standards of attractiveness and so on, but I'm uncaffienated just now so I'm not going to try.
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Date: 2006-10-15 06:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-16 01:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-16 01:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-16 02:18 pm (UTC)*HUGS*
Date: 2006-10-15 04:51 am (UTC)And I am bi. And you know that.
And I am happy.
Re: *HUGS*
Date: 2006-10-15 05:51 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-15 07:10 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-15 07:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-15 06:27 pm (UTC)I've been asking "how the fuck do you know?" for more than a year now, trying to figure out if my thing for women is sexual or purely aesthetic. And haven't been to the LGBT center, thinking a) I'm not oppressed or having trouble accepting myself, so I don't need it and shouldn't take up their time, and b) what if I'm just attracted to the identity for the solidarity with others (something I've rarely experienced) or being welcome/fitting in---what if I'm not really bi but want the psychological/social benefits of identifying with these people? Like I'm afraid of taking up the center's resources somehow, or looking for attention.
So, *curious* what are your thoughts/concerns/answers on the "am I really" conundrums?
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Date: 2006-10-15 06:28 pm (UTC)That's about it. And I have no answers for 'am I really'. I don't know myself, I just know what I like.
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Date: 2006-10-15 06:34 pm (UTC)That's about it. And I have no answers for 'am I really'. I don't know myself, I just know what I like.
It's annoying, isn't it? No answers, no blood tests that'll look at your gene sequence and tell you you're at such-and-such a point in the spectrum (although all things considered, the lack of that is probably a good thing), not even a holodeck or virtual-reality setup that'll let you find out what you like.
And, wallflower, here. Have kissed one guy and one woman, disliked both kisses but didn't find either person attractive, either. Makes things even more difficult.
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Date: 2006-10-15 06:41 pm (UTC)Never kissed any girl besides Vertigo's girlfriend and that wasn't exactly my choice.
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Date: 2006-10-16 01:46 am (UTC)Yeah, tests would be bad. The people and idealogy in power now . . . not good.
Kissed this guy who liberally complimented me on my attractiveness, at a time when I was sure I was not attractive at all---went out with him because I had trouble asserting myself, and broke it off, with difficulty, after I spent the whole drive home from the date licking my fingers and wiping off my lips because I didn't want my tongue to touch them yet still wanted to wash them off.
Kissed a woman who was dressed up in Rennaissance wear and covered in paint, who was standing by the exit of the Renn Faire offering kisses to everybody who passed by---girls included, and I was just beginning to wonder, so I kissed her to see what it was like. I didn't like it much, but that might have been the paint, and didn't feel like my lips were filthy afterwards, so better than the other kiss.
The problem with being bi or les in a het world is that you don't know how to go about approaching people. I've seen several women around that are quite hot, but they're probably all heterosexual and I really don't dare do anything besides smile at them. There's this former classmate of mine who goes to my parents' church, and I see her when I go with them to holiday services; she's the first female I ever had a crush on and I've seen her several times from a distance without daring to so much as say hi. 'Course, nothing with her is going to happen anyway; she's devout and I'm an apostate, but still, I feel sometimes like I'm imposing on people by simply finding them attractive, and that really, really sucks.
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Date: 2006-10-16 02:04 am (UTC)But here in Asheville there are MANY hot girls and one may not know what to do.
Made out with one boyfriend and it was kinda fun, couldn't bear to kiss the other one. It just sort of freaked me out even to kiss him on the cheek.
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Date: 2006-10-16 02:14 pm (UTC)*wishes to pop into the Pirates of the Caribbean universe to see if Anamaria's interested* *in between Jack and Davy and possibly Will, of course*
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Date: 2006-10-16 03:19 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-17 02:21 am (UTC)Ohhh, yes, that'd be wonderful. (Not as wonderful as me between Jack and Davy, but still.)
Dunno what to think about Will . . . he's honestly quite stupid-looking for most of both movies, and then at the very end, in Tia Dalma's place, all of a sudden he was HOT . . . the lighting and his hair loose and the angst/fury thing going on. Weird. But Jack and Davy take the cake any day. And Anamaria.
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Date: 2006-10-17 02:25 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-15 06:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-15 06:33 pm (UTC)*although she knows of someone who drew Galvatron/Cyclonus art at ten because she just knew they were a couple, even tough she didn't know what homosexuality was*
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Date: 2006-10-15 06:38 pm (UTC)So ironic, that what is meant to demean and degrade and attack the whole community backfires enough to make me sympathize.
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Date: 2006-10-15 06:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-16 03:24 am (UTC)Gay guy I like tells me I'm straight.
Go figure.
Sometimes the best thing to do is to not worry about it, and just do what makes you happy (assuming what makes you happy isn't a sin.) If you like a girl, ask her out, and don't worry if you're gay or what. 'Gay' is just a word used to describe same-sex couples, anyway. I think defining yourself as something pushes you to act like it... so just don't define yourself.
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Date: 2006-10-16 03:31 am (UTC)...even if all the ones I actually know to be of my inclinations are taken.
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Date: 2006-10-16 08:58 am (UTC)(Then again I also have a thing about giant robots, so these days I just don't bother trying to classify my sexuality. It's really not worth it. >_>)
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Date: 2006-10-16 01:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-16 02:16 pm (UTC)