Why is it that all Saturday afternoons involve me, a laptop, and no pants?

[seiberwing]

I participated in a candlelight vigil for Matthew Shepard two days ago. Was very cold out there, to the point where I couldn't even feel the wax dripping onto my fingers, but it felt worthwhile.

The problem is that I said I'd come to the Alliance's meeting next Tuesday and I'm feeling very nervous about it. Here's the situation:

I don't particularly like putting a label on myself, but if I had to go there I'd say bisexual leaning towards lesbian. I've only dated two people, both male, one of which I didn't find attractive in the least and the other of which turned out sorta-gay (and I have no idea why I liked him in the first place, he wasn't that attractive). As far as women, I find a number of them attractive in a sexual-ish fashion (hello, suitemate-next-door). I even asked a girl out to the prom, although she had to cancel and I wound up with cutiebirdgal's brother. But I've never dated one, or kissed one for real, or even asked one out properly.

It's never been an issue with me. The most oppressed I've been is Vertigo's girlfriend attempting to kiss me (put that girl on a leash, for god's sake) and a few odd looks or commments when I engaged in blatent gay-ish 'that chick is hot' behavior. A bit odd considering we're in the South, but I've always hung out with tolerant people.

I've never come out and said it, but I've made it a good bit obvious to people at times. I'm terribly anxious about going because I can't say "I'm straight but I think gay people are cool" or "I'm gay/bi/transgendered and I know what it's like to suffer prejudice". And what with bisexuality being used to explain things like Girls Gone Wild and kids experimenting, I don't even know if they'll accept me like that. Some people don't even think bisexuality exists.

Hell, I don't even know if I am like that. People's brains can fool themselves, maybe I'm straight and just don't know it yet. I like being a little odd and hitting on other girls is sometimes a way to be odd. For all I know I'm just justifying my odd-ish behavior by saying I'm like that. I don't want to be a poser, or for people to think I'm being like this just to seem cool and alternative. I just want to be what I am.

I'm going, of course. I just don't know what to do there.

Comments

[seiberwing.livejournal.com]

The rambling is good. Thanks. *snuggles Boots* And as you said, I haven't found any girl here that I want to go out with in terms of personality and compatible interests.

Mostly because he was blatently on the rebound from someone horrible and started talking about 'soulmates' the second time I ever saw him. O_o

O_o indeed. My first boyfriend was goldcelestial setting me up with someone and the most I got out of it was a caving trip. The second was the not-attractive-to-me guy in Memphis and...well, when he said we needed a mission statement for our relationship, I really should have known better.

What anyone else says to your being there doesn't matter - if you don't like the group, you don't have to keep going - and if it's a group designed to encourage people to make friends as well as discuss your sexuality, then they ought to be open-minded enough not to turn a hair if you've not completely decided anything yet.


Very good point. The VP is in my Creative Writing class, so I don't want there to be huge tension, but they seemed like nice people when I talked to them Thursday night.

[apprentice-lurk.livejournal.com]

Everybody has times when they don't know what they want, whether they'll want the same thing five minutes later and/or need to spend time worrying about their own and other people's reactions. It's only human. *snuggles* Bet you anything you like you'll find someone when you start to think you don't want anyone, all in accordance with Sod's Law. ;)

Yeah, my sad-eyed guy was a set-up as well. There was I, thinking it'd be my friend, her boy and me playing pool, and suddenly there was said bf's brother as well. (I'll admit to idly thinking 'yeah, he wants me' mostly as an ego-boost, but still!) What on Earth is a mission statement, and just how serious did he think it was going to be? O_o

Very good point. The VP is in my Creative Writing class, so I don't want there to be huge tension, but they seemed like nice people when I talked to them Thursday night.

*nodnods* Whether or not there's an element of 'support group' in there - I've never been to anything similar, so I don't know how social/discussion/support-based they are or what - they ought to be perfectly accepting and nice about anyone who hasn't decided anything to their satisfaction. Either way, if you don't like it, don't go back. They can't blame you for that. :)

[seiberwing.livejournal.com]

I like this Sod's Law if it means I'll find someone sometime. There's a lot of very pretty girls here, and certainly many are nice. Just...none that like large robots.

What on Earth is a mission statement, and just how serious did he think it was going to be? O_o


Companies have ones like 'To serve all customers with courtesy and respect' or whatever. My mom was thinking he maybe had Asperger's, which makes sense. I talked to him online and saw him maybe three times, being as he lived on the other side of the state from me.

Don't like, don't go back. I can get into that. I mean, what's the worst that can happen? ...besides humiliation.

[apprentice-lurk.livejournal.com]

You could always introduce the subject of gaint robots and see if any are willing to listen - or indeed already know about them. I nearly fell over when I got to Uni and found that I wasn't the only Transfan in Cambridge, or evenon campus. :) (Bumped into one of the guys who does voice work on My Little Beast Wars, in fact; he was behind the till in Boots the other day. Small world.)

Companies have ones like 'To serve all customers with courtesy and respect' or whatever. My mom was thinking he maybe had Asperger's, which makes sense. I talked to him online and saw him maybe three times, being as he lived on the other side of the state from me.

...I think I remember you talking about him one time, actually. *thinks* The other-side-of-the-state part certainly sounds familiar.

Nahhh. The worst thing that could happen would be you taking a wrong turn into a room of fundies, or ending up at the Dread Portal (the one that sticks in the damp) and going through the Passwords with Brother Doorman from Guards! Guards! (http://wiki.lspace.org/index.php/Book:Guards%21_Guards%21). ;) *cuddles tight*

[seiberwing.livejournal.com]

There's a number of people who know about them here, but no actual Transfans. And yeah, I talked about him here.

Going into a room of fundies would be...odd.

[(Anonymous)]

???
I thought viragostonewall was your first boyfriend? At least that was what you you told everyone at the time...

[seiberwing.livejournal.com]

I was being silly then. I don't count him.