Oy...

[seiberwing]

So I have returned from Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, having tried to ignore pretty much everyone ever saying it sucks. They obviously had not understood Bay's art, and by art I mean having a loose plot to explain why things are blowing up.

...my head hurts. That is not hyperbole, my head actually physically hurts from the sheer amount of "what the fuck is this what the fuckery" that went into this movie.


The sad part is that I could see the basis of a good plot peeking through. Transformers on Earth thousands of years ago was a decent idea, the Fallen leading a death-to-humans cult vs. Optimus Prime leading a life-to-all-life cult that is so extreme that it actually puts human life above Transformer life (Autobots = PETA?) is a bit more awkward but okay. More robots was a good idea, apparently Bay at least listened to people complaining there weren't enough. Bumblebee supporting Mikaela/Sam was pretty cute in a weird way. Megatron and Starscream bickering was a reasonable scene.

There were some good characters thrown in there too. Simmons as a positive character was a good idea, although they kept trying to make him comedic and that partly ruined it. Simmons/Leo OTP! Jetfire as an old guy who switched sides was cool, I think he was one of my favorites. Bee was...Bee, even this movie couldn't remove the intense love I have for Bee, Bee is win.

There's potential. But it's all put together so horrifically badly and mixed with the kind of toilet humor that South Park fans would find unfunny that it ruins any potential for being interesting. Someone mentioned on RPG.net that the writer's strike occurred halfway through the movie and Bay had to do a lot of it himself--I think this explains pretty much everything.



I'm sorry, Michael Bay. The fighting robots just weren't enough to win me over. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going over to beexsam to comfort myself with some soothing interspecies slash, because the scenes featuring the affirmation of the Bee/Sam/Mikaela OT3 were probably the best part of this movie.

Comments

[xanykaos.livejournal.com]

Optimus Prime leading a life-to-all-life cult that is so extreme that it actually puts human life above Transformer life (Autobots = PETA?) is a bit more awkward but okay.

Actually, I reach my wallbang moment it I try to think about how many freaking soldiers (and possibly Transformers as well) NEST was willing to risk for a chance at possibly maybe bringing one (albiet one big and touch) dead guy back. It keeps making me think of the Robot Chicken scene "Only fifty humans were killed in the crossfire, an all-time low! Hooray!"

"What the fuck is this what the fuckery" is a pretty accurate summary. Even though I enjoyed most of the movie I still found myself saying that a lot. I didn't even know robots had scrotums or enjoyed humping things, Jetfire "farting" kind of ruined the awesomeness that was a crusty old former 'Con pirate-robot, and the less I know about whatever Bee sprayed Deceptigirl with, the better. Bay having written it himself does make a lot of sense. But man, there were some strong Bee/Sam vibes all over the place.

Also, Megatron got tentacle-raped. No wonder he was grumpy.

[seiberwing.livejournal.com]

I don't get this garbage about only a Prime being able to destroy the Fallen. No, only a really badass robot is needed to destroy the Fallen, pour every mech and man you've got at him and he'll die like anyone else. The movie wanted to have some mystical thing in there, but we're used to giant robots and the intersection of the two went badly--it doesn't matter in G1, because we were adjusted to expect any and every kind of crack by the fifth episode.

My wallbanger came at the point where the human military got people killed chasing down a Decepticon who, as far as I can tell, wasn't really doing much besides hanging out in China. I think Bumblebee just wanted to settle down with Sam and have a normal life too, you'll notice he wasn't out dealing with that Decepticidal bullshit at the beginning.

[xanykaos.livejournal.com]

What are you talking about? Giant Robots plus random mysticism never goes wrong (http://transformers.wikia.com/wiki/Beast_Machines).

Ah, I forgot about the Fallen's weird hang up over Primes. I don't know, I chalked it up to villian arrogance, but they did phrase it all prophetic-like. Now I'm getting weird images of the Fallen as Voldemort and Optimus with glasses and a little wand.

You've got a point about China. I...nah, I can't even justify it. I still like the concept of NEST, and I want to read something with Lennox and Optimus being BFF buddies-in-arms or something.

[seiberwing.livejournal.com]

Again, there's that problem of good idea done badly. Humans working with Transformers to help Earth is a great idea and could have led to significant character development--instead it's Baysplosions and macho military posturing.

[cassildra.livejournal.com]

BEE. I LOVE BEE. I want a plush Bee to cuddle and hug and love.

And I agree with the rest of your analysis. I was on two Vicodin during half of the film, one the other half, and it ... didn't help things make sense in the least.

[seiberwing.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure whether that would make things better or worse. I was just a bit sleep deprived.

I actually have a "Slumblebee" plushie, although it's a G1 version.

[cassildra.livejournal.com]

omg want!!

[seiberwing.livejournal.com]

There's that one and there's "Softimus Prime". They even transform.

[cassildra.livejournal.com]

VERY WANT

[blinkinghell.livejournal.com]

Bee was kinda cast back a little I found. Sam trying to get rid and then the twins being loud and annoying and in the way :/ He just...looked like a the kid who's birthday it is, but his brothers/friends/popular kids get all the attention, but he deals with it quietly. Alone.

[seiberwing.livejournal.com]

Decent way of putting it. Which is sad, because he's the best Autobot in the bunch--the rest are comic relief or just standing there. Or Optimus, but let's be serious; do we even have a reason to like Optimus?

[joules-burn.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad I'm not the only 'fan' who didn't like it. I could have probably taken the constant stream of useless explosion (Really, everyone talks about the 'fights', but that entire segment in the desert was nothing but gunfire and bots running back and forth through dust.), but the humor killed it for me.

There was a lot of potential. But it was like good ideas given to a football teen.

[ropemaker.livejournal.com]

I enjoyed the first one better. Though, I did find the mini-decepticon that was caught to be interesting. I wish they played him out more. He just kind of disappeared. He was cute in a "dory" from finding nemo way.

[seiberwing.livejournal.com]

Wheelie, I think his name was. He was pretty fun, although I really could have done without him humping Megan Fox's leg. When your selling attraction is made into the comedy relief, something's gone bad.

[seiberwing.livejournal.com]

Most people didn't like it, and even the ones that did admitted it was pretty dumb plotwise.

I actually got bored during the big robot fight scene, that's how bad it got. It just kept going and going.

[joules-burn.livejournal.com]

I got a little bored near the end, too. It was just all jumbled and hard to see what was going on anyway. Then there was the longest mile run in the history of high school.

And I can't really complain about dumb plot TOO much. The dumb plot I can take if it was fun enough. But I despise that style humor. And with the ever rising prevalence of it, and all my situational smart comedy getting consistently cancelled, I'm fairly certain I'm going to be staring at it for the rest of my life.

I've heard a lot. A LOT of people proclaiming it to be the greatest, funniest movie ever. I'm not sure how it will equalize. But there's a lot of people singing this movie praises. Not the critics. But the dumb mainstream is eating up the fart jokes and is easily won over by boatloads of special effects and violence. Ugh.

That said. The good parts for the bots were good. I will cling to them and love on them. But the bad in this movie was a major turn off.

[seiberwing.livejournal.com]

The humor pretty much ruined the film for me. Energon had horrendous writing and animation, Beast Machines I hear was ridiculous and I don't even know what kind of crack RiD was on, but at least they took the subject seriously. Putting a testicle joke on one of the largest and most terrifying robots in the film makes the entire scene worthless.

This is the kind of movie I want to read fic for, because I see potential for goodness in it. Especially the Pretender robot, who was she and what was up with all that? Her story needs to be heard, because whatever it is it's probably more interesting than this movie.

[joules-burn.livejournal.com]

This. I hated the humor. The movie didn't have to be all serious, but you don't make a war movie into a comedy. Because of all the slapstick, there was never, ever the right sort of tension built to make the fights seem interesting or necessary. The battles drew out long, not only because they were long and full of mostly BAYSPLOSIONS without really interesting visuals most of the time, but because there was no sense of danger.

Those twins and the testacles joke made Devastator absolutely unscary. Big deal. He was a giant robot with balls that did nothing. Couldn't even sufficiently kill the retard who wasn't damaged at all by his giant grinding turbine for some reason. Even the rocks he was upchucking from the pyramid were unscary. Falling in perfect little lines to make sure that none came close to Simmons.

I would have been mad if Simmons became awesome just to die, though.

There's no danger in this movie for anyone but red shirts. Even Sam has some mystical oldschool Primes in his head watching his back.

Which blew my mind. Way to go with giant alien technology rather than some psuedo-religious junk. Not that the show didn't do that with the matrix. But it really didn't feel like it was 'their own power' in this movie. And Bay really went back on his whole 'I WANT REALISTIC TIIINGS' that he b'aawwed about for the first movie so that we didn't have mass shifting. Way to keep it real.

[joules-burn.livejournal.com]

P.S. This film needs gobs of good fic. There were lots of interesting ideas.

I already plan to. Or make other people do it.

Because paranoid Simmons there would be BFF with Red Alert.

[seiberwing.livejournal.com]

Well, look who's going on my friendslist. ^_^

Simmons and Red Alert would rock.

I like the idea of Alicia (that was her name, right?) hanging out with Barricade or something to watch chick flicks and porn for research purposes. And Barricade mocking her for looking so disgusting.

[joules-burn.livejournal.com]

Simmons and Red Alert would be the greatest BFFs forever. Inferno would be jealous.

And holy god. That Alice- I think you're right- done up in bitch cop gear and sitting on Barricade like she owns him is hotter than just about anything.

And of course she owns him. Bet she's one of Soundwave's. No one messes with Soundwave's bots.

[seiberwing.livejournal.com]

The movie didn't have to be all serious, but you don't make a war movie into a comedy. Because of all the slapstick, there was never, ever the right sort of tension built to make the fights seem interesting or necessary. [...] There's no danger in this movie for anyone but red shirts.



Exactly. Soldiers die by the droves, but we really don't get to know them despite Bay playing patriot with the caskets (yes, Bay, we know you like your military porn, stfu already). Transformers die, but since they have no character outside comic relief we have no reason to feel sorry for them. It all turns into so much background noise.

When Devastator came onscreen I was a little ball of squee--until he turned around. "Wait, are those...no, they wouldn't...oh god, he has truck nuts, they actually went there." Simmons' line about being "directly below enemy scrotum" might have been funny if he was just in the area of Devastator's groin, but the wrecking balls made it ludicrous.

This movie has no realism because it has no character. Nobody bar Sam and Bumblebee behave like actual people, and even Sam stretches it a bit. I find it sad that the best character in the film is one who has no lines at all. I don't even know what the fuck was up with Sam going to robot heaven, I think the movie had given up on making sense at that point.

[seiberwing.livejournal.com]

They could play conspiracy theories off each other.

Barricade seems to like small loudmouthed mechs anyway, even if he's only not crushing her because he knows Soundwave would rape his CPU if he did. Alice is probably arrogant as hell when she's not undercover.

[joules-burn.livejournal.com]

Soldiers die by the droves, but we really don't get to know them despite Bay playing patriot with the caskets (yes, Bay, we know you like your military porn, stfu already). Transformers die, but since they have no character outside comic relief we have no reason to feel sorry for them. It all turns into so much background noise.

I'm all for military. I actually found it oddly uncomfortable that they were just bringing honored soldier fatalities in and that was an AFTER THOUGHT. The screen sort of panned by them and the tone at that point in the film wasn't somber so it felt like you should be sad, but that's not what was happening.

This movie has no realism because it has no character.

This. This movie was missing whatever it is that keeps us watching those awfully put together cartoons despite cringing at all their cheesey kid oriented lines. I've seen a few people say that this movie had no heart, and they're right.

We're never made to care about the characters. It reminded me a lot of the new Star Wars films. Where I had wanted, for years, to see the tragedy of Darth Vader's descent. Only to find that the tragedy was in the fact that I could not WAIT for that little pussy to don his black helmet and get on with the badassery.

There's so much going on that almost all of the characters are accessories. When the Derp twin 'dies' all I could think was 'Oh, thank god.' When Sam died, I didn't think much other than 'huh.' Sam was fine enough, but I couldn't care about Megan Fox since her shining lips don't make me wet enough to get over her bad acting and the fact that she is litterally there for nothing besides being the love interest. The only thing she did in the movie was bring Wheelie over and hold Sam's hand.

And Bumblebee is entirely drowned out by those twins despite the fact that he loves Sam so much, Sam almost ignores him so he can spoon with Mikaela.

I find it sad that the best character in the film is one who has no lines at all

Which character was this? I'm drawing a blank.

And the Starscream and Megatron moments were priiiiime. Except when Megatron was groveling and talking about his master. Then I was kicking the seat in front of me.

[joules-burn.livejournal.com]

They could play conspiracy theories off each other.

Exaaactly. After Simmons gets over his little prejudice fear of giant alien robots. At first, obviously, they'd have awkward, searching, testing conversations because neither trusted the other.

Couldn't you see the arrogance in the way she handled? That was a really odd character, when it comes down to it. Makes it interesting. And Barricade is good at manipulating that type of mech or just working with the loud mouths, I think.

I think all of Soundwave's creations are arrogant bastards. They can afford it with that kind of protection. This Soundwave can tentacle rape you through next Tuesday.