seiberwing (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
seiberwing) wrote2010-06-08 12:49 pm
seiberwing) wrote2010-06-08 12:49 pm
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The style of Seiber's brain--I believe my icon sums it up.
I am not in a good place right now. Certainly the stress of the impending move to Chicago (and thus the upset of my entire status quo of life) isn't helping, but I'm pretty sure biochemical interactions have something to do with it.
In addition to re-raising my Lamictal levels to 300mg (they were reduced to 200mg back in March, when I thought I could be a macho man and survive with less), Dr. P gave me a script for fifteen 'emergency pills'. They're anti-anxiety drugs that you take when things get really bad and she thinks I should hang on to them until the increased Lamictal takes hold. So far I've only taken one, and while it helped it seemed to help in the sense of an emotional aspirin rather than the emotionally-deadening anesthetic I was hoping for. At least my heart rate went down.
I'm considering taking a second. It's been almost a year since...somebody did something rather nasty to me, emotionally speaking. It was completely my fault (or more specifically the fault of me being depressed and not dealing with it in a mature fashion rather than angsting all over the internet) and she reacted by cutting me off, something that is not an unreasonable reaction but one I wish I'd been informed of before it happened. It wasn't even a clean cut, but the festering sort where I had to actually learn that I had been cut off from a third party because I thought she was just coincidentally busy/sick whenever I wanted to spend time with her because I'm kind of a dumbass that way. I suppose one might say the experience made me a stronger person, one who realized that throwing my problems on others was just going to hurt them and make them dislike being around me, but I would definitely have preferred not going through six months of a major depressive episode because of it.
It hurt. Worse than anything in my life, I think, before that my episodes had been garden variety depression unaided by a harsh reality, and for a while it was really all I could think about. And it's still hurting and I wish it would stop because I can't feel it's natural to spontaneously get upset over something I've been calm about for a while. I am not good with your human emotions. They confuse and dismay me and con me into ill-thought-out LJ posts.
I'm going to make some tea and clean my room and see if this goes away. If I don't feel better in a few hours, it may be time for another dose.
EDIT: The second dose did not happen, I implemented an arboretum walk with my mom and a pair of smoothies and that seems to have soothed matters.
In addition to re-raising my Lamictal levels to 300mg (they were reduced to 200mg back in March, when I thought I could be a macho man and survive with less), Dr. P gave me a script for fifteen 'emergency pills'. They're anti-anxiety drugs that you take when things get really bad and she thinks I should hang on to them until the increased Lamictal takes hold. So far I've only taken one, and while it helped it seemed to help in the sense of an emotional aspirin rather than the emotionally-deadening anesthetic I was hoping for. At least my heart rate went down.
I'm considering taking a second. It's been almost a year since...somebody did something rather nasty to me, emotionally speaking. It was completely my fault (or more specifically the fault of me being depressed and not dealing with it in a mature fashion rather than angsting all over the internet) and she reacted by cutting me off, something that is not an unreasonable reaction but one I wish I'd been informed of before it happened. It wasn't even a clean cut, but the festering sort where I had to actually learn that I had been cut off from a third party because I thought she was just coincidentally busy/sick whenever I wanted to spend time with her because I'm kind of a dumbass that way. I suppose one might say the experience made me a stronger person, one who realized that throwing my problems on others was just going to hurt them and make them dislike being around me, but I would definitely have preferred not going through six months of a major depressive episode because of it.
It hurt. Worse than anything in my life, I think, before that my episodes had been garden variety depression unaided by a harsh reality, and for a while it was really all I could think about. And it's still hurting and I wish it would stop because I can't feel it's natural to spontaneously get upset over something I've been calm about for a while. I am not good with your human emotions. They confuse and dismay me and con me into ill-thought-out LJ posts.
I'm going to make some tea and clean my room and see if this goes away. If I don't feel better in a few hours, it may be time for another dose.
EDIT: The second dose did not happen, I implemented an arboretum walk with my mom and a pair of smoothies and that seems to have soothed matters.
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